Like every major night host except Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert was on vacation last week, which meant he missed the height of Matt Gaetz’s sex trafficking scandal. But with new developments every day, the Late show host caught up in earnest on Wednesday evening. And he didn’t hold back.
Colbert started with the “blanket pardon” Rep. Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly sought out Donald Trump, jokingly, “Oh, I don’t think the blanket wants a pardon. I think it wants to be burned. It’s been seen too much.”
“Gaetz wanted a preemptive pardon for every illegal activity he’s ever done, like innocent people do,” the host continued. “And he had reason to believe he would be pardoned because of his close relationship with the former president.”
From there, he shared factual passages from Gaetz’s recent book boasting that he received phone calls from Trump while he was “ on the throne, on planes, and in the club. ” Colbert added, “The president called me everywhere: while lurking in the bushes of a high school, creating fake IDs, even teaching my girlfriend the SATs.”
The Congressman even boasted that Trump called him while he was “in the throes of passion,” and he replied. “When I think about Matt Gaetz having sex, I’m in the throws,” Colbert joked.
Noticing that Gaetz was not pardoned because Trump’s lawyers thought it would set a “bad precedent,” Colbert asked, “You know how seedy you have to be to let the number 45 lawyers go, ‘No, that looks bad? ”He imagined them adding,“ If you want to excuse me now, I just farted in front of the camera, my head is leaking and I’m late for my press conference outside the crematorium dildo shop. ”
Finally, the host pointed out the intense irony of Gaetz making an upcoming speech to a conservative women’s group on one of Trump’s golf courses. “You could say that puts the fox in the coop, but Gaetz would rather hang out with the eggs.”
“His speech is part of a gala dinner themed ‘Americana, with BBQ, boots and bluegrass’,” added Colbert. “Not to be confused with Gaetz’s usual theme of ‘Molly, minors and compulsory minimums.'” He concluded with, “The group has received a lot of criticism for booking Gaetz, but they defended the decision, calling Gaetz a ‘fearless leader’. in Washington “Yes, Gaetz is not afraid of anything except the parents of the person he’s texting.”
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