AAs a certified social media expert, I speak from experience when I tell you, the reader, that the best followers on the entire internet are ex-athletes on Instagram. Forty-year-old men, who have conquered the world’s most demanding profession, live strange lives in their twilight, just wandering in a world they never counted on when they were young. Want to see 7 times All-Star and future Hall of Famer Joe Johnson putting Hemsworth-level beef cake shots? Pau Gasol eating an egg? Follow Reggie Miller’s cycling experiences? Well, reader, it’s all there and more: a brave new world of older men, who have lived what they believed was their primary goal, vibing, looking for good times, and congratulating their children on small accomplishments. The lives we would all live if our wildest dreams came true.
Last Friday night, Hall of Fame Celtics forward Paul Pierce set the gold standard for all retired athletes’ Instagram content when, mind-boggling, he livestreamed himself, glassy and transparently wasted, playing poker with his guys while a bevy of strippers floated around, looked at the camera and seemed to be having a good, healthy time, with a random mid-season NBA game playing on TV in the background.
Feel free to read this sacred document here, but if you can’t make time tonight, allow me to describe some of the highlights. Pierce opens the flow by saying “let me get a neck massage.” He invites a stripper in the comments and says she might be making some money. He appears to be drinking liquor from a small medicine cup. He takes about two minutes to shout out to the Jewish people on Shabbat, says “Shabbat is poppin” and says he would love to “be on Shabbat”. When someone mentions COVID-19, he says he has already been vaccinated and recommends that everyone take the picture, which, frankly, is just responsible messaging. Then he subtracts an incredible sentence: ‘Stop hating … everyone hates …’
This also:
We’ve been to turkeys beforeAfter more than a year in COVID hell, it’s good to know there are moments that make life worth living, folks.
In a rational world, nothing happens after that, except perhaps a significant increase in the number of randos shouting “TURKEYS” at Paul Pierce while walking down the street. But unfortunately, Paul shared his poker and stripper-related exploits as an ESPN employee, where he was in-studio analyst for the network’s NBA coverage until yesterday, when he was unceremoniously fired from the global leader for being too cool .
Now, was Paul Pierce a beloved TV presence in this great nation? No not really. One time he said he had a better career than Dwyane Wade, which was kind of funny, and it was a wonderful pleasure to see him get things wrong simply because he had such an annoying NBA presence on the field during his career used to be. He also may or may not have confessed to shitting his pants mid-game and getting into a wheelchair to hide his shame from a national TV audience. And anyway, all the on-air talent on ESPN paddles against the tide of the micromanaged, produced-within-an-inch-of-their-life post-game shows.
But just because he’s not Vin Scully doesn’t mean he should be fired just for livestreaming himself three sheets to the wind and watching butts.
But just because he’s not Vin Scully doesn’t mean he should be fired for livestreaming himself three sheets to the wind and watching butts. Who exactly is ESPN protecting here? Everyone involved did A-OK and even took the time to promote their own Instagram presentations to everyone who watched. Maybe Paul wasn’t very COVID compliant, but I mean he was promoting the vaccine! And look, he’s not the only NBA figure who’s been out of quarantine for a while to enjoy the company of exotic dancers. James Harden and Lou Williams have just been given their suspensions and quarantine duties, which seems to me at least enough. Was ESPN concerned that all kids who look up to Paul Pierce would want to imitate his behavior? I certainly hope not, because, as Draymond Green once pointed out, there probably aren’t any kids who look up to Paul Pierce.
It’s not like Republican politicians are lining up to convict Paul Pierce for his butt-related Instagram shenanigans (too busy dealing with their accused child sex trafficker). No one threatens boycotts and protests outside their house / stripper booth. Paul Pierce hasn’t lost any of his credibility as a basketball analyst – at least this hurts his reputation as there’s something very disturbing about an NBA player who not a party animal. It’s just some funny shit that happened. You suspend it for a week or ignore it, and it fades into the background – call some funny shit Internet Bozo and share it with future Internet Bozo.
Charles Barkley, the monolithic presence on TNT’s colossally entertaining post game on TNT, got a DUI in 2009, told his arresting officer he would “… drive around the corner and get a blowjob,” and that he could keep his job after a short time off, as no one out there was obsessed with saving face or whatever it is, ESPN felt they had to do to save their reputation from one of their employees talking drunk about how he’d been at Turkeys.
Pierce did nothing at all to be malicious, and yet, here he is, out in the cold, because ESPN couldn’t handle anyone enjoying the company of strippers? What exactly made his quick exit necessary, if ESPN personalities credibly accused of sexual harassment continue to work on the network? Was it just that they couldn’t swipe Instagram Live images of him under the rug?
I mean it: What exactly is the problem here? Did they just think it was tacky? This isn’t baseball or the NFL or Republican politics. No one in or around the NBA has felt compelled in the past to hold a tearful press conference begging for forgiveness from the public for enjoying hanging out with strippers from time to time. It’s fucking professional basketball, and it’s usually above this puritan crap. Why ESPN didn’t get the memo I can’t even imagine. Please leave Paul Party, you cowards.