I know I often write about my problems with Teslas – of which I to have a lot of – but I really think the fundamental design, powertrain, battery technology and packaging of their car is excellent, and I appreciate their dedication to crazy thingsI’m all for fun, crazy things in cars. And it seems that people have discovered something nice in their Teslas. Even better, it’s about butt holesHowever, I have a conceptual problem with this butthole related Easter Egg. I will explain.
This is what the Easter Egg is: if you use the voice commands in your Tesla, you can say ‘open butthole’ to the car, and the charging port on the back opens.
This seems to have been discovered by Twitter user @tesla_master, who I think is actually a Tesla master, as for some reason he even thought of telling his car to open his asshole for him.
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I wonder if the car’s safety word is ‘spark plug’? That’s what I would use.
Regardless, the butthole thing seems to have been confirmed by other Tesla owners who take pleasure in telling their car to open buttholes:
It also appears that “bunghole” can work for these open / close commands, and there are a number of other slightly daring commands you can give your Tesla if you’re feeling cheeky:
Okay, this is all nice and I’m really happy that both the engineers and the owners are having a good laugh here, but I feel like there’s something really important conceptually to note:
The charging port is not the equivalent of a butthole. It really is the equivalent of one mouth
I mean, think about it – essentially the anus is an outlet port. In the case of most animals equipped with anus (as opposed to a cloaca, which is a type of general purpose waste / reproduction port), it is used to eject waste, whether gaseous or solid.
At the other end of the digestive tract is the mouth, which is used to absorb food.
So, what is the charging port used for on a Tesla? It’s livelihood! It provides electricity to the car, which is basically the equivalent of food for the car.
Even if we consider the case where one Tesla’s charging port can be used to power something elselike putting electricity back on the grid, that’s closer to a mother bird spitting out food to feed her babies. It’s not waste, it’s livelihood, it’s just outward facing.
This isn’t the first time I’ve considered the role of the anus in relation to cars; for ICE cars, I have previously stated that exhaust pipes are the anuses of combustion cars:
While the technologies are different, the concepts are the same: on an ICE car, the port where food enters (fuel) is the mouth (fuel filler) and the port where waste products are ejected is the anus (exhaust pipe).
On an EV, the port where the food enters is the mouth (charging port) and for waste products it’s a bit trickier because the waste is really produced at the point where the electricity is generated in the first place – a coal plant or a nuclear plant or whatever then.
But the great thing about EVs is that it is possible that there is no hole in the system at all, if the electricity comes from the sun or wind or tides or something.
On the car itself, heat is probably closest to a waste product, so for a Tesla, I’d say the butthole is basically the cooling system.
I know the charging port is on the back of the car, but I don’t think I can support the analogization of an electric car’s charging port like an asshole.
I apologize. I know you’re having fun and all, but anthropomorphize car is just too important to me, and as this country’s leading self-proclaimed czar of auto anthropomorphization, I’ll have to conclude that electric vehicle charging ports, regardless of location, are mouths, not anuses.
I trust Tesla will update this in their next wireless update. If they still need a vaguely dirty thing to call it, maybe they can do “open ass mouth“Or”open electron hole“Or”say aaaah
Hm.say aaahhWorks better for visually opening the front trunk. Still, I’ll stick to my point: if it needs food, it’s not a butthole.
I mean, I eat stuff, and I can be an asshole, but that is different, damn.