Recently, I have spent a lot of time in Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, galloping through the East and Southeast. There are some scenic views around Kent and Dover, and it’s nice to hit the beach at times rather than stroll through the moist fertility of the more wooded areas in Mercia.
This means that I soaked up some side quests (or local mysteries) in the area that I missed before, and one of them, although it took three minutes to complete, really made me laugh. It’s about a sea beast called Aflanc The Terrible, but it’s actually the most theatrical attempt at filicide ever, and the NPC involved enjoys my enduring respect.
There are many interesting NPCs around in Valhalla, from serious business quests like King Lear’s three pagan witch sisters scattered across East Anglia, to the more whimsical, like ‘woman living in a sewer demanding snake brains’, or’ man holding on to the somehow really like baseball ‘. One of the neat things about the game is that you never know when you’ll run into one and if it’s going to be a pretty complicated side quest.
For example, when I saw these cliffs I thought, “Wow, I wonder if I’m going there, I come across a murder mystery where two cops, one a grumpy depressive and one a non-nonsense working mom, will start on. at odds but forge respect and a loving friendship. ”Is Broadchurch far too dark for an AC game and set in Dorset which is beyond the reach of the Valhalla map? Yes. But still. It could have happened.
Anyway, here’s what happened (spoilers for this particular quest I’ve been considering):
Me and my crew (and cat) were happily sailing down the river when we heard, on the bank somewhere between Croindene and Guildford, a woman loudly complained to her father (whose name I have forgotten so I will call it as father) for her threatening to push into the river to drown. And like, she was angry about it, but mostly sounded annoyed; her tone was about appropriate for when he’d forgotten to take the chicken out of the freezer in the morning, so now they couldn’t get the chicken for dinner and she’d really been looking forward to the chicken.
So of course I jumped off the ship to investigate. Griseld, the young woman in question, was sacrificed because their farm was reportedly overrun by a satanic beast called Aflanc The Terrible. Griseld was meant to appease Aflanc, who certainly existed because some guy named Godfrey said so.
So of course I went for a swim and found there was no monster, just a shipwreck that occasionally erupted bubbles and wreckage. Griseld was annoyed by this news, and Daddy said, “Woah, really, but there is a monster, right?” And thereafter Godfrey ran up to him and said that he specifically told Dad there was no monster, and that Dad had just sought an excuse to kill Griseld, for example, because she annoyed him by saying he drank too much and gave him a Good-for-nothing. Griseld responded by kicking father out.
So my thoughts were, about right, like this:
- Oh my god what a champion of men. What an absolute hero. To get so enraged at what is a minor annoyance at best, that you make up a genuine belief in a huge monster as the reason to kill her. Great Old Testament energy.
- The theatrical of it all. He covered the riverbank with flower petals to commit his murder. Why go so far? Given the historical context, he clearly could have killed her and said a bandit did it. Or just pushed her in and said it was an accident. Or rather, just killed her and not bothered to actually hide it.
- Like, in The Witcher 3, every village you go to has a ghost that they maintain has haunted their old apple orchard for hundreds of years, when even the most cursory investigation reveals that it is the ghost of a teenage girl who was born three weeks ago. missing. , and whose blood is still visible on the ground. Dad probably could have just kicked some dead leaves all over Griseld’s body and, if anyone had even bothered to ask, he said, “The bitch had it, she called me a ‘coward.’
- Who is Godfrey? His relationship with a party is not explained here.
- And what the hell, Godfrey, why don’t you show up now, after I’ve already solved the problem? It’s not that this was done in secret. This potential murder is an event. There is a small crowd. What else did you do that was so important Godfrey? Were you hiding in the bushes to wait for the most narrative dramatic moment to reveal Daddy’s terrible secret?
- Griseld is really relaxed about this whole thing and I respect her for it, but I also worry.
- But seriously, this man went to such great lengths to drown his daughter. He pretends to believe that a dangerous monster lives in the river for an undisclosed amount of time. He probably has a reputation.
- Imagine that he meticulously collects all the petals and then spreads them all over.
- Obviously he’s no good-for-nothing.
- I’m on his side tbqh.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a screenshot of Dad, but he, his low-profile robe and balding head, are with me forever. If there is any justice in the world, this will start a huge quest where I can install my father, who has been thrown from his daughter’s house, as king somewhere. He’s the ruler Valhalla’s troubled times need: ready to make it hard, and wildly out of all proportion decisions.
What I’m saying is that a lot of the side quests in Valhalla are absolutely nonsensical, and I love them all the more.