Oprah Royal Interview: Meghan Reveals She ‘Didn’t Want to Be Alive’

But the most powerful parts of the two-hour interview came when Meghan discussed the difficulties of her life as a working royal family. Meghan, an American former actress, said she was forced to suppress her outspoken nature and give up her personal freedom. She said she could not access her passport, driver’s license, or keys after joining the royal family, and they were not returned until the couple moved.

At one point battling back tears, Meghan said the thoughts of suicide were incredibly hard to bear, and she was reluctant to share them with her husband – who lost his mother, Princess Diana, when he was a boy.

“I was really ashamed to say it at the time, and I was ashamed to admit it mainly to Harry, because I know how much loss he has suffered. But I knew if I didn’t say it, I would – and I just didn’t want to live anymore, ”she said.

Harry said he was “terrified” by his wife’s confession.

“I had no idea what to do, I also went to a very dark place, but I wanted to be there for her,” he added.

The prince, who is sixth in line to the throne, said there is a culture of suffering in silence in the royal family. Meghan’s race – she’s half black – and the abuse she endured made the situation even more difficult for the pair than for other royals.

She said a senior royal had “concerns and talks” about how dark her son Archie’s skin would be. On Monday, Winfrey told CBS that Harry had said the royal family in question was not the Queen or Prince Philip.

Harry said that prompted him to discuss the matter with the royal family. He told Winfrey that he believed there were many opportunities for the palace to “show some public support” in the face of ongoing racist abuse in the press, “but none of my family has ever said anything. That hurts.”

Harry said the problem was bigger than just the couple, because of what Meghan represented as an influential black woman in a public position.

“It affected so many other people too,” he said. “That was the trigger for me to really get into those conversations with the palace, the senior palace staff and my family to say, guys, this is not going to end well.”

The interview is likely to have lasting repercussions for the royal family. It aired at an already fraught time for the royals, with Prince Philip, the Queen’s 99-year-old husband, who spent a third week in hospital on Thursday after a heart procedure.

Harry and Meghan’s interview may have reached an even wider audience. It aired on prime-time television in the United States and was relentlessly promoted by CBS over the next few days, with the network saying it would lift the curtain on why Meghan and Harry separated from the Windsors last year.

The Sussexes painted a picture of an attitude so stuck in its ways that it forced a young, biracial couple to simply live with racist abuse at a time when much of the world is coming to terms with the lasting legacy of institutional racism.

“It’s been unbelievably difficult for the two of us,” Harry said as he sat next to his wife. “But at least we had each other.”

‘I saw no way out’

Harry and Meghan stepped down from their royal duties in early 2020, but the formal agreement they made with the palace was not reached until February.

The deal allows them to both keep the royal titles bestowed on them by the queen, but they will give up their royal patronage, which will be redistributed among the working members of the royal family.

Harry said the decision to step back amounted to “a lack of understanding” between the two sides. He said he wouldn’t have parted with his family had it not been for Meghan, who helped him realize the couple were trapped.

“I was trapped myself. I saw no way out. I was trapped, but I didn’t know I was trapped,” he said.

Meghan said she felt she was the victim of a “character assassination” in the British media and the machinations of the palace, which valued how it was perceived more than her, her husband and the well-being of her child.

She also said that when she was pregnant with her son, Archie, she was told that he was not going to be a prince and thus would not receive security.

“I’m sorry I had to believe them when they said I was going to be protected,” she said.

Meghan specifically complained about the lonely and isolated life after her marriage. She said that sometimes she was not even allowed to go out to dinner with friends because she was too heavily in the media.

“Everyone was into optics,” she said.

When the burden became too heavy to carry on her own, Meghan said she sought help from staff at Buckingham Palace. Meghan said she had been told she was not a paid worker and that she should seek help elsewhere – which she was told she couldn’t.

Meghan said it was particularly difficult to put on a happy face while suffering in silence. She talked about a particular night in the Royal Albert Hall with her husband, while the two were together in the royal box.

“Every time those lights went out,” she said, “I just cried and he took my hand.”

When the lights came back on, Meghan said “you just have to be on again”.

The sources said they had approached The Times because they felt that Meghan’s version that had appeared publicly was only partially true, and they were concerned about the way bullying had been handled. The report said the sources believed the public should “have an understanding of their side of the story” prior to the couple’s interview with Winfrey.

Buckingham Palace said it was “very concerned” about the allegations in the report and would investigate. A Sussexes spokesperson dismissed the Times report as “a calculated smear campaign” ahead of the interview.

Meghan told Winfrey that despite the ordeal, it was important to distinguish the royal family from “the people who run the facility.”

The Duchess of Sussex said she had been welcomed into the family itself and that Queen Elizabeth II, Harry’s grandmother, had always been wonderful, warm and hospitable.

Meghan discussed rumors of a dispute with Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William’s wife. Meghan said the reports that she made Kate cry about the flower girl dresses at her wedding were untrue, and it was in fact the Duchess of Sussex who was crying.

“There was no confrontation,” said Meghan.

She declined to discuss the incident further because Kate apologized. “I don’t think it’s fair to her to go into that,” added Meghan.

Harry said the decision to step back has had financial repercussions – they were cut off by the palace in early 2020 – and affected his relationship with his family. He said his father, Prince Charles, who is next in line to the throne, stopped taking his calls for a moment.

“I feel very disappointed because he has been through something similar. He knows what pain feels like. And Archie is his grandson,” said Harry.

Harry also described his relationship with his older brother William as ‘space’, adding that ‘hopefully time heals all things’.

But the couple raved about their praise for the Queen, who escaped the interview without firing.

“My grandmother and I have a really good relationship and understanding, and I have a deep respect for her,” said Harry. Meghan added that she had recently spoken to the Queen several times, including the morning Prince Philip was taken to hospital last month.

Meghan hit a positive tone at the end of the interview. She said life after the royal family is “just the beginning” for their family.

When asked by Winfrey if her story with the prince has a happy ending, Meghan answered unequivocally.

“(It’s) bigger than any fairytale you’ve ever read,” she said.

CNN has contacted the Royal Family for comment.