My brother-in-law is slightly over 40 and has health problems. He also suffers from mental health issues that are usually undiagnosed due to his refusal to see anyone, and essentially he does nothing but smoke weed, drink booze and play video games.
Right now his parents are paying his mortgage, which I believe is in their name, and I assume they are paying all of his bills. His father takes care of the maintenance of his house and helps with food and “necessities”. I guess they pay his medical bills too, or just leave them unpaid.
This year, my Septuagenarian father-in-law had health anxiety. My mother-in-law has also had some health problems, but nothing life-threatening. I fear that given his quiet lifestyle, my brother-in-law may also face additional health problems as he gets older.
I told my wife to discuss estate plans openly with us. She agreed, but the subject is always pushed aside. Her family doesn’t like to talk about death or money at all. The most we got out of it is that everything has been split in half.
I think that’s a great plan on paper, but I see two big problems. First, there’s the house that can’t just be split in half without being sold, which neither my wife nor her brother really want to do. It will be rewarded.
The Moneyist:My wife and I have 3 children. I also have 3 children from a previous marriage. How should we divide our home among these 6 children?
Maybe in a decade or so my wife could pay him half of the house and possibly buy him out, but that raises problem two. Her brother can’t manage his own life now, and I know what will happen when a few hundred thousand fall on his lap.
Neither I nor my wife want him to be homeless, but I am afraid I will be responsible for looking after my brother-in-law. I believe he will end up penniless when his parents are gone if no one intervenes. At the same time, if they just leave him money, he will waste it or possibly have it taken by debt collection agencies.
My wife and I are wealthy and good with money. Ideally, we could simply manage a trust for him to make sure that bills are paid so that he doesn’t become homeless or starving. This is clearly a sensitive topic coming from the son-in-law, especially with in-laws who are skittish about death and money.
I don’t want to turn the bill for this man when his parents are gone.
Any advice would be great.
Responsible son-in-law
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Dear son-in-law,
It sounds like a combination of mental health and addiction problems. Sometimes one can lead to another. To help your brother-in-law, a family intervention may be required instead of a financial one. That would mean the whole family taking over and telling him one by one that they love him and that they want him to get back on his feet and get the help he needs.
Depression has increased among middle-aged American men over the past decade. Baby boomers born between 1946 and 1964 are at higher risk for depression, according to a 2015 Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index study. In the US, 14% of baby boomers are treated for depression. That’s significantly higher than the national average of 11%, double the percentage for millennials.
It can also lead to more serious health problems. Studies have shown that being overweight or obese is associated with a higher risk of early death than a healthier weight – and the risk increases with extra pounds. More than a quarter of American adults describe themselves as obese, but the true obesity rate is closer to a third of the population.
The Moneyist: My friend’s father buried $ 50,000 in the backyard for his grandchildren. My friend has 2 children, but his wasteful brother has none. Should they split it?
Your in-laws can explore options for making sure your brother-in-law is taken care of after they are gone, and someone with mental health and addiction issues who also lack life skills would not be the best able to handle their own finances, mainly a lump sum. They could make provision in their will to put the proceeds from the sale of their home into a fund for special needs or living beings with an income.
This may require a second intervention, one that forces your in-laws to face the reality that their son is heading for a long road to recovery and, if he doesn’t want to or can’t be, that they have to adjust their own lives. estate plans accordingly. Consider, for example, making an appointment with your in-laws and a financial planner and real estate lawyer to discuss these matters.
There are many organizations that can help your parents, including the National Alliance On Mental Illness and the National Council for Behavioral Health. Your brother-in-law may also benefit from some type of rehabilitation or recovery program. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration helpline also provides crisis counseling to people affected by the pandemic.
You cannot ultimately force your brother-in-law or in-laws to seek the help they need and, perhaps by a moment of grace, recognize that they must face an unpleasant or difficult truth. You can do your best. But you are not ultimately responsible for the lives of others, even though it can be difficult to watch this situation deteriorate over time.
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Quentin Fottrell is MarketWatch’s Moneyist columnist. You can email The Moneyist with financial and ethics questions at [email protected]. By emailing your questions, you agree to have them posted anonymously to MarketWatch.