It was a story tailored for Jimmy Kimmel, who has never been shy about his outright hatred of Ted Cruz. And on Thursday night, he spent almost his entire monologue visiting the Texas senator after fleeing his icy, devastated home state for what eventually became a short-lived retreat in Cancun.
“ On behalf of all of us, from LA, we want to extend our best wishes to those of you who have been hammered by the cold weather, ” the night host began sincerely. “Hundreds of thousands of Texans are still without electricity. And on a day when the most newsworthy landing should have been the NASA Rover successfully landing on Mars, it was instead a Texas senator who arrived in Cancun. “
“While his fellow Texans freeze with the power out, Ted Cruz did what any great leader would do when his state needed leadership most,” Kimmel continued. He booked a flight to Mexico and said, ‘Adios, amigos!’ ”
From there, he went down to how bad the situation is on the ground in Texas, where roads are impassable, toilets are frozen, and people burn their furniture to keep warm. “And where was Mr. Texas while his constituents are suffering?” Kimmel asked. ‘Well, there it is, a snake on a plane there! I ironically went to where he was trying to build a wall around. “
At first, Kimmel explained, he wasn’t sure if the photos that appeared on social media were actually of the Texas senator “or just a man with a terrible medical condition called ‘resembling Ted Cruz.’
“But I didn’t want to post until I was sure it was him,” he said. So my wife spent two full hours last night studying pictures, matching pictures of his shoes, his mask, his wedding ring. It was like lying in bed with Sherlock Holmes. “
Eventually, reporters began to confirm that he was on the run. “So he loads his family on a plane to get out of town and unfortunately he’s on TV kissing Trump’s ass so often and for so long that everyone recognizes him, even with a mask on,” said Kimmel. “They’re posting all these pictures of him and there’s so much backlash, he has no choice but to book a flight home right away.”
“The hypocrisy is off the charts!” he added. “This is the man who lashed out at Austin two months ago for going to Mexico.” But that was not all. Kimmel also called out Cruz for mocking Governor Gavin Newsom for “not being able to perform even the basic functions of civilization, such as reliable electricity” and attacked Chris Christie for going to the New Jersey beach he had have it closed.
“But why settle for just being the planet’s biggest hypocrite when you can be a world-class liar too?” the host asked, before detailing the original statement in which Cruz blamed his two young daughters for the whole debacle.
“Because the school was canceled this week, our girls asked if they could travel with friends,” Cruz said. “Because I wanted to be a good father, I flew with them last night and I’m flying back this afternoon.”
“Well, he was careful not to say he would fly back this afternoon, because he wasn’t,” Kimmel explained. He just said he did, and in fact, NBC News has a source saying he was originally booked to fly back on Saturday. He booked his return ticket at 6 this morning after being arrested. But I think we had to believe that he was accompanying his wife and children to Mexico and planned to return the next day … with a carry-on bag filled like a piñata. “
The host also took a moment to mock the folks who excused Cruz’s lies, such as “an idiot” named “Dinesh De-Douche-a” who tweeted, “What could @tedcruz do if he were here in Texas? “I’m having a hard time saying that. When he’s in Cancun, that means he’s not using valuable sources of energy, food, and water that could be used by anyone else right now. This is probably the best thing he’s doing right now for the state can do. “
“And more than 10,000 people ‘liked’ that statement!” Kimmel exclaimed. “What a country this is.”
But since “for the most part, although no one bought this story about going back to work,” he said, “Ted decided to be honest,” admitting that the trip was a “mistake” and that he did it because of the backlash. . “He also claimed that his struggle to be the world’s best dad put him in a position that he realized wasn’t a good one, just a few hours late.”
On his return, Cruz spoke to reporters outside his home and said he “almost immediately had reservations” when he sat on the plane.
“Yes, as soon as people started posting pictures of him on the plane, he looked up and knew he shouldn’t be on the plane,” Kimmel replied. How did he think he would get away with this? You know your judgment is awful when this hairstyle is only the third worst decision you made this month. “
“Well, at least his vacation was ruined,” Kimmel concluded before urging viewers to text “ABC 13” to 41444 to donate money for Texas.
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