Not all men are guilty of sexual harassment of women at work and beyond. But all men play an important role in the wider effort to combat harassment against women, and it starts by simply talking to other men about the issue.
Not condemning sexual harassment – be it verbal harassment or outright physical violence – can have serious consequences for people close to you, as comedian Daniel Sloss explained in his 2019 HBO comedy special. way about a male friend who raped his girlfriend, and how he ignored the myriad warning signs that predicted the terrible event. He could have acted, maybe just by saying something to his male friend who often showed multiple red flags, but instead shrugged off the danger.
Given the ubiquity of sexual harassment and assault around the world, according to 2010 figures compiled by the US government, nearly one in five women in the US will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. National Sexual Assault Information Center—Sloss’s words are a stark warning.
As Sloss points out, the process of depriving sexual harassment of the normalcy of men talking about it, rather than ignoring it, begins. Here’s how to get started.
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Listen as women talk about their experiences
One way for men to fully understand the ubiquity of sexual harassment in society is to listen when women talk about their experiences. According to Heather Stevenson, a psychologist specializing in men’s issues, talking to women can bring out the insidious nature of the phenomenon in a way that discussions with men just can’t.
She tells Lifehacker:
Comes from a place of genuine curiosity and openness will usually be answered with receptivity, and hearing direct stories from people you know is likely to have a greater impact on how you process the information. If you’re not comfortable starting a conversation with a woman in your life just yet, check out one of these videos of women capturing their experiences on the street and the harassment they experience from men. Then use that as an opener with someone you know.
It’s impossible for men to rationalize the scale of harassment worldwide – be it on the street, online, behind closed doors in private homes, in the workplace, and beyond – without hearing it from women themselves. By listening to women, men will understand how those close to them have endured this type of harassment for years – perhaps encouraging them to take action.
Take action with male allies
In addition to talking to women, men can move from unwitting bystanders to allies by speaking out when they witness bad behavior from other men. Having these conversations regularly is good and necessary, and men should consistently bring up cases of misogyny expressed by their friends, family, and colleagues.
But the work becomes more doable when men bond with others devoted to the cause. The University of Southern California School of Social Work urges men to “maintain an ongoing dialogue with friends, peers and family members, with the ultimate aim of encouraging more people to become active allies for the cause”.
For her part, Stevenson recommends some more focused advice, referring to organizations such as A call to men and Man enough as specific sources. She tells Lifehacker that men should consult these groups because they will allow them to “find other men who already have these types of dialogues or are open to these types of conversations as a way to continue and deepen the work”.
When it comes to casual friendships, Stevenson clearly distinguishes between positioning yourself as an educator and simply questioning comments you might find inappropriate.
“We don’t necessarily need you to always take on the role of an educator with other men, although it’s appreciated if you do,” she says. “But we need you to at least take on the role of questioner or rejection of comments / conversations” that perpetuate harmful beliefs about women.
Rethink the way sex is talked about
Much of the casual misogyny woven into today’s social fabric begins with the way men are socialized. Much of it is shaped by mass media and the way women have been hypersexualized to gel with stereotypical masculine tastes. To help a broader segment of men understand that their conception of femininity was developed by a culture that positions women as objects that only exist in relation to men, men must tear down the ways they have been taught to talk about sex . .
As Stevenson explains, men should question the popular images portrayed in advertisements, movies and pornography that openly sexualize women:
When the programming to which we are all subject only portrays stereotypical roles, we are all passively conditioned to adopt those beliefs and therefore we act from a place that we are entitled to in response to those messages. The problem really comes from not wondering what to eat, why and who is behind the wheel and sending those messages.
When men begin to understand that the depiction of women in the mass media is a made-up ideal, it will help take away the lasting impact of the problem. Luckily, if you’re a guy who wants to make a difference, you can do your part in relatively easy ways. It is imperative that you do that.