Had I more fully shared my persistent thoughts about destruction, or perhaps if she had asked other questions, I might have felt heard. As it was, I walked out of her office and never went back.
Augenthaler says, “You have to feel comfortable and heard, and if you ever get the feeling ‘you don’t understand me,’ that’s not the right therapist for you.”
Anne Nayor, a licensed clinical social worker in St. Thomas, put it best: “Therapists aren’t gods, they’re just people, and they make mistakes.”
I stayed away from therapy for ten years, until my 24-year marriage was threatened by my husband’s betrayal. He promised the affair was over, but refused to discuss or acknowledge it, and I couldn’t go on without talking about it. The licensed counselor I found through my brother advised me to make my home a more relaxing place for my husband, and if he felt more comfortable, he would be more open to discuss the matter.
This advice felt wrong, but I didn’t know how to contradict the person with the education and training. Instead, I lit the suggested gas lights and stayed in my marriage while my husband happily continued his affair.
Janice Seward, a physician in clinical psychology, said, “Therapy has an inherent power difference, and we are much more likely to give up things like our gut feeling when we are in a relationship where someone has the perception of power. even if someone has a PhD to their name. If you feel that something is wrong, it probably isn’t. “
After a year of putting my husband at ease, my marriage finally collapsed. This time, I found the right analyst through a referral from a friend.
John Gyra, a clinical psychologist, helped me unravel and heal the truth of my marriage. I also discovered why my previous therapists were so unhelpful – I needed someone with the training and education to recognize the emotional abuse in my marriage. With his help and guidance, I gained the strength I needed to hold out during my three-year settlement negotiations. He pushed me to feel the anger I suppressed under my sense of victimization and to learn to work with those powerful feelings. He helped me find the words to talk to my children about their father.
Finally I felt seen and heard. Seward agrees with the other professionals I interviewed. “Research has been conducted into what is actually therapeutic and curative, and it is the relationship between the therapist and the client.”
She recommends that you seek help rather than wait for a crisis to strike. Know that what you feel can be normal given the stressors of these times, but it can also be beyond the bounds of what you can handle on your own.
Seward also says, “Thirty years ago there were three types of therapy; now there are five hundred.” If you work with someone who is licensed or registered, there will be a license board, the primary purpose of which is to ensure safety for customers. It also sets a minimum standard that a therapist must meet.
There are also many “on-demand” online providers such as BetterHelp, TalkSpace and, if you are in Canada, Online-Therapy.com. There has been a paradigm shift since I was Dr. Gyra was last seen almost 15 years ago. It has made getting help much more accessible and affordable.
Ask your doctor, friends, and family for recommendations. If you are employed, please contact your HR or employee support department. Don’t hesitate to talk to different therapists until you find one you are comfortable with. Most offer a 10 or 15 minute first call for free. Check out therapists’ websites, read their biographies, and view their photos to see if one is right for you, or specializes in the issues you think you are experiencing.