Eva Mendes’ favorite parenting advice has sparked disagreement on social media: Don’t beat up your kids.
The Hitch The actress, who shares two daughters, Esmeralda, 6, and Amada, 4, with Ryan Gosling, shared with a glamorous Instagram photo on Tuesday. “I am often asked what my favorite red carpet dress is,” she wrote in the post. “This @versace is definitely out there. I don’t often get asked what my favorite parenting quote is, but I’ll post it anyway. Please slide if you care.”
The quote, credited to mother blogger Racheous, read, “Spanking does for child development what spanking a husband does for marriage.”
Followers jumped in: “I don’t know. I got a beating and now I’m a respectful adult. And believe me, I deserved [it]. I was a brat. “
“I love you, but I don’t agree at all,” wrote one follower. The goal in raising children is not to have to flip, but to correct before they can reason with you. Completely different from hitting someone. ‘
“Spanking is a way of teaching, not pain or abuse,” wrote one fan.
When a parent added, “I think everyone is different and I respect everyone’s decision, but for me, I didn’t hit that often, but I did,” Mendes replied, “Thanks for your response. I’m so glad I did. I disagree Want this page to offer that in a loving way We are all older in our own way and I have no idea what I do most [of] the time. This didn’t come with a manual so if anything resonates with me I’ll pass it on. Lots of love. “
Other parents agreed with Mendes. “… I have three kids, so I understand the urge to hit! (Also, most of us grew up in cultures or families where physical discipline is routine and accepted, so I get it) However, spanking is a loss of control on the side of the parent, as parents [we] try to teach our children how to communicate in a healthy way, even when we are really, really upset. We also help them build those internal controls so they don’t lash out at others when things aren’t going well or when they’re frustrated, angry, or upset. ”
“When an adult beats an adult it’s called assault and they can press charges and go to jail, but when a defenseless child is beaten, it’s called discipline,” one wrote. Another added, “I have mine [ass] kicked like a kid and it didn’t serve me. It normalizes abuse and does not teach children how to express their feelings. “
According to Dawn Brown, a psychiatrist in Houston, Texas, spanking is “one of the most talked about parenting topics,” but it doesn’t work the way parents would hope. “Spanking does not teach children appropriate ways to control their anger or regulate their emotions,” she explains to Yahoo Life.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has taken a definitive position on corporal punishment, defined as the ‘non-hurtful, hitting with open hands with the intention of changing children’s behavior’, based on the fact that hitting the emotional development of children harms, causes aggressive behavior. and increases the risk of mental disorders and cognitive problems – even if parents think their approach is well-intentioned. “In cases where warm parenting practices took place alongside corporal punishment, the link between harsh discipline and adolescent conduct disorder and depression remained,” the AAP said in a 2018 press release for the updated guidelines.
Spanking can also cause neurological changes in a child, says Brown, the effects of which can be seen in adulthood. “We know that it decreases the brain’s gray matter, the part of the central nervous system that affects intelligence, learning, speech, emotion and memories.” And a 2017 study from the University of Michigan concluded that being spanked as a child was “significantly associated” with mental health problems, alcohol use, and suicide attempts in adulthood.
If nothing else, says Brown, spanking sends mixed messages to kids, especially when they’re punished for hitting other kids.
What makes spanking a particularly tricky topic is the intergenerational component, according to Sheryl Ziegler, a family therapist in Denver, Colorado, and the author of Mama Burnout. “If you were spanked as a child, you are more likely to be spanked your own child,” she tells Yahoo Life. “Then we have a cycle of parents dealing with stress in this way, which is difficult to break.”
Some parents feel that spanking is justified, but it doesn’t actually stop children from indulging. “It’s a temporary shock to the child’s system, but it won’t stop negative behavior in the long run,” says Ziegler.
According to both experts, parents should check in with themselves when they reach that breaking point. “When parents spank, they are usually in ‘fight’ mode, not ‘flight,’” says Ziegler. “[At that point], parents function out of complete fear, ”she says.
Ziegler suggests that parents allow themselves to “time out” at these heightened moments by taking a deep breath and walking away, saying, “I am frustrated” modeling conflict resolution skills. “That way, someone who is mean to your child at school can walk away, too,” says Ziegler.
Brown also suggests a “cause and effect” form of punishment by scrapping privileges. The bottom line is, “ You made a bad choice and this is the result, ” she says, adding that this technique is helpful if a child has “ made a huge investment. ” [in the activity]. “
But discipline can also look like praise, Ziegler says. “You can redirect from the [negative behavior] by saying, “You cleaned your room well,” even if they aren’t listening. You draw attention to something positive. Brown adds that positive reinforcement can be used regularly to encourage good behavior. Let’s say your kid acts on recess, but they’ve had two really positive days at school, “she tells them.”
Finally, redefining “punishment” can help parents avoid harsh approaches. “Punishment has a negative connotation, but children can learn from it,” says Brown. “It shouldn’t cause harm – it should learn correct behavior.”
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