Brand owner Skippy buys Mr. Peanut, no guarantee for his safety

In what feels like a spiritually sinister move, Yahoo! reports that Kraft sells the peanut brand Planters to Hormel, which is also the owner Spam and Skippy. Sales were a whopping $ 3.35 billion. Holy shit, that’s a lot of money. All those Mr. Peanuts, grown, sold and eaten. Baby peanuts? Or maybe it’s BartWhatever your name is, man, I think you’re done. I see a mill in your future unless we break you out of that contract of yours.

Even before the pandemic, Kraft struggled when customers began to stray from processed foods. Now brands are being jettisoned to focus only on those who bring in the money, like Lunchables. (Lunchables. Who knew?) Last year, Kraft broke off Polly-O and Breakstone to French company Lactalis for $ 3.2 billion. That’s a lot of sour cream and ricotta, folks.

The Planters sale to Hormel means the Spam folks will get the whole host of things, including Cheez Balls, the inferior to Cheetos Cheez Curls, trail mix, mixed nuts, and the everlasting tooth-cracking Corn Nuts.

Hormel plans to give the Planters brand some TLC, as it did with Skippy when they bought it eight years ago. After some fuss, it managed to blow Skippy into a brand powerhouse, investing in advertising along with new product lines such as squeeze packs and no sugar and extra protein versions of the peanut butter.

Now I have a suggestion for you, Hormel: use the same machine you use to grind peanut butter, but with spam. What I see is a Spam Butter, which can be spread quickly on soft white bread and on people’s faces. Or maybe pieces of spam mixed into a trail mix to create a well-balanced meal. Or a frozen pizzaThere are stars and dollars in these eyes of mine, Hormel. Just trust me.