Dear Amy: My partner of 28 years and I decided to finally get married last December (at the age of 70). Due to the pandemic, the ceremony at Zoom was held with only a few close friends and family members.
Shortly after, I announced our wedding and posted a few photos on Facebook. A week later I got a call from my cousin, who learned about my marriage from one of her daughters (who saw my mail).
She seemed very happy with it and congratulated us. Since that phone call, we have not received a present or congratulatory card from her or her family. Months later I still suffer from it.
I have always given my cousin and her children gifts for baptisms, birthdays, engagement weddings, etc.
I think it’s a shame she doesn’t think my marriage is as important as a straight guy. She’s very religious so that could be the reason. However, my partner and I have always been involved in all of her family gatherings over the years and have always been considered a couple.
My cousin and I are like brother and sister. I think this is why it hurts so much.
Should I bring up my disappointment or try to let it go?
Regardless, I’m sure this won’t end well.
– Hurt feelings
Dear pain: First of all, congratulations!
Hold on, because I want to suggest a counter-story.
Here is the letter I assume your cousin sent me:
Dear Amy: My cousin and I are like brother and sister! I’ve always been genuinely happy to include him and his 28-year-old partner in all of our family gatherings over the years, including those really important events like engagements, weddings, baptisms, birthdays, etc.
Last year he and his partner decided to get married! This is great news; they’ve been together longer than most married couples I’ve known, and at the age of 70 I’d say it was about time.
I understand that no personal ceremony would be possible during the pandemic, but imagine how hurt I felt when I heard about this wedding from my daughter, who saw a post on Facebook.
I called to congratulate them, but I feel hurt that my close cousin didn’t bother telling me about his marriage – not even afterwards – and I had to learn about it third-hand. “
In short: HELLLLLO. The great thing about a Zoom wedding is that you can add a ton of people (and you don’t have to feed them)! Why didn’t you get your cousin involved? Don’t you imagine she might feel hurt that you didn’t even tell her afterwards? And yet, here she is, picking up the phone and lovingly congratulating both of you.
No, you DO NOT feel hurt by this. Share my counter-story with your husband and sort out your feelings.
Dear Amy: I’ve been with my husband for 20 years.
I have done my best to include my in-laws in all family activities.
We can now see them in person because they have been vaccinated.
During dinner, they handed me a large plastic bag with photos (including the one I sent them) of their grandson.
I spent quite a bit of time and money on those photos (all his school photos, etc.).
I’m offended that they returned them to me, in front of my son, saying, “Oh, we’re cleaning up and we just don’t want these.”
I say this is rude, my husband says no.
Your input?
– Woman wondering
Dear Wondering: I agree with you.
If you’re not going to keep them, I think it’s a good idea to return photos to the subject (instead of throwing them away).
“We made duplicates” (or digitized) this is certainly a better way to “frame” this than the way your in-laws did.
I also like the idea of giving an album of children’s photos etc. to the grandchild when they are older. Parents and grandparents often have these photos, but rarely the subjects of them.
Dear Amy: I was shocked by your judgmental response to “Sleepless,” the college girl whose mother woke her up every morning by running on a treadmill in the next room.
You should have imagined Sleepless wearing earplugs or earphones.
– Angry
Best Upset: Yes, earphones offer a possible and obvious solution. However, “Sleepless” wanted her mother to do things differently.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.